October 12, 2008 23:25
I apologize in advance for sounding like I hate the world, but at the moment, I feel like I really need to talk to somebody, but nobody wants to talk to me. So, I turned to the ever-trusty blog.
There are a few things on my mind, as you are about to find out.
The main one is this. I look around me, and it truly seems like everyone is in a relationship, and are really enjoying it. I really feel like I’m missing out; I have never been in one. And I’ve been feeling this way for several months, and over these months I have talked to numerous amounts of people about this. But I am really feeling this urge, this need to love, right now. More than ever. I just really feel the need to have someone to hold hands with, someone to sit on the porch swing with you and watch the sun rise (I hope she has a porch swing, because I don’t), someone to, I don’t know, maybe sit and listen while I play the guitar for her. Most importantly, I want her to be my best friend.
Several months ago, I had this conversation with one of my best friends. I was explaining to him how I felt about a particular girl, then he suggested to me that maybe I was just looking for romance in general, not caring who it was with. I was appalled after he said that, because, to be honest, I did have feelings for her. But now, thinking back, I think he might be right. Maybe I am just looking for romance. Maybe these feelings I feel around girls that I like are feelings for love itself, not the girl that is causing these feelings.
However, if I am only in love with love, how will I know when I am in love with girl? To be honest, I get these weird feelings around three different girls, but it’s so much different around one of them. Maybe I feel an actual attraction for her, assuming what I feel for the other two is a love for love, which just happens to hit me when I’m around particular girls.
Let me go back a bit. You remember how I said I have talked to numerous people about my dilema? Well, for the most part, I got the same answer from them– “Be friends first.” And, to be completely honest, that sounds like a great idea. However, the girl I get that especially strong feeling for is the one with which I am least friends with. In better words, I am, basically, good friends with the other two, and not as much with her.
So maybe, this feeling is telling me simply to get to know her better. But, even though we’re not necessarily best friends, I feel like I know her pretty well. And she seems to be everything I look for in a girl. (NOTE: I am not necessarily “looking” for a relationship. But she is everything I like in a girl.)
So, this is why I’m feeling down at the moment. I want a relationship, but I don’t know if I’m wanting to be with a girl simply for love. If I am, I suppose I could be, subconsciously, creating feelings for these girls, but I don’t know if I would be able to determine for whom I am creating the feelings. Or how to get around it.
But I think humans were made to love (that reminds me of TobyMac…). Knowing that I have not romantically loved anyone, and feeling so hurt about it, I really think this needs to change.
October 15, 2008 at 6:36 pm |
This may not even relate to your post. But I feel like I should share it with you. It’s something that I’ve learned this year.
“You don’t know what love is until you can differentiate between love and infatuation.”
Think about that. Maybe it will give you something to talk about with people. Maybe we can talk about it later. I miss you, man. But I’ll be down there in just a couple of weeks. Hope things are going well for you.
-Drew